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“Ingane ingunina”. This is a phrase I heard many years ago, and its significance has become more applicable in my own life as I walked the journey of (single) motherhood. Directly translated, it means “a child is their mother”; pointing to the notion that a child’s life – physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically and even spiritually – is inextricably linked to, and dependent on, that of their mother. As such, when the mother is doing well or otherwise, it follows that the child will fare in much the same way.
The single parenting statistics in South Africa are staggering, with around 40% of our Nation’s children growing up in single parent homes; the majority of which are headed by women, in rural and poorer communities. While it’s not difficult to understand how single motherhood happens (biologically speaking), what can be conceded is that there are myriad reasons that underpin the “why” – as studies have come to show. In fact, some of the more recent discourse has gone as far as exploring the idea of “married single mothers”, adding a new layer to the conversation around the pervasiveness of the single mother “experience” across the world.
The “single mother experience” means that in considering the challenges faced, one is confronted (as I was) by the reality of how what should be simple decisions, are made complicated by factors that are otherwise taken for granted.
I can already hear the “nobody sent you to have a child outside of wedlock” counter-argument, and I’ll admit that on the days when I didn’t want to throw a punch at those who make it, I’ve found statements like these to be overly simplistic and wholly dismissive of the conditions prevalent in our society, where child abandonment by at least one parent is rife and life routinely happens to all of us, thereby making single parenthood a possibility even for those who never imagined it as their lived reality.
My firm position is that we cannot live in a world that punishes the mother who stayed and tried – often against significant odds – to raise her child alone, when the plans of a dual parent arrangement fell apart/changed. Instead, I dare propose that there’s room for the extension of grace, kindness and support to lessen the already steep climbs that many single mothers continue to face daily.
It’s not for no reason that songs like Tupac's “Dear Mama” or Samthing Soweto’s “oMama Bomthandazo” continue to resonate so deeply with the children of single mothers across this nation. Those children (in adulthood) understand what it took for them to advance to some of the successes they attained in life.
We can and should do better to support single mothers. All our children deserve it and will be healthier, far more well-rounded individuals for it.
